Part 1) Spiders
I am a serious arachnophobic. It's completely irrational- they're so small for cryin' out loud, but I can't look at pictures, see them on TV, let alone deal with one in person. So when "X" (the 7+ year old) noticed a spider in my living room yesterday and commented "WOW- that's a big spider!" which happened to be no less than three feet from where I was sitting but out of sight because I couldn't see over the couch arm. So, I tentatively get up and take a peek- yeah- it's a BIG SPIDER. Not tarantula size, but much bigger than I want to deal with. I can't leave it there, because I know it'll move, and the little wimp won't go after it with his shoe, which leaves only me to deal with it as the husband won't be home for another hour or so (by which time it'll be who knows where in the house- probably nestled in my bed). So, I think to myself, I can handle this, it's a stupid spider (commonly known around here as a "wood" spider but all I know is that it's brown, icky and FAST). So, I grab a sandal and slowly approach and stop. I'm three feet from it and there's no fraking way (that's right, I wrote "fraking") that I'm moving any closer.
I look imploring to X, and ask him "Can you please squish it for me? I seriously cannot move from this spot."
X: "No way!"
Me, muttering to self: shit, shit, shit...oh, I'll get the vaccuum. Maybe I can convince him to suck it up. He's done it once before (last year, similar situation, even bigger spider). "Okay, I'm going to get the vaccuum- can you suck it up?"
X: "What if it moves like it did last time?"
Crap he remembers. me: "Just be quick. You can do it- you'll be Mommy's hero."
He sighs but grabs the hose from me and slowly approaches. I watch with a growing, gnawing fear that the fraking thing will take off, hysterical screaming will ensue and it'll get away. But thankfully, he's quick and I watch with glee as it disappears up the vaccuum shoot. I'm ready to buy him a car.